Bram Stoker's Alucard
by Teleute
Summary: A silly parody about Francis Ford Coppola's movie: "Bram Stoker's Dracula", staring the Hellsing's cast, of course. Please review
1. Casting

**Bram Stoker's Alucard**

_The Casting! _

**Teleute:** Hi guys! What's up?

**Hellsing's cast:** Oh no, please, anything but HER...

**Teleute:** I'm feeling some bad vibes, Integra? Alucard?

**Integra:** As you should, you made me behave like a stupid teenager in your fics!

**Teleute:** He he, sorry Integra... Please put you gun down, you can't kill Death with a bullet...

**Integra:** I can't?

**Teleute:** Nope, I couldn't say I'm sorry...

**Integra:** Damn...

**Teleute:** And you, Alucard? The whole 'I kissed Integra' thing, bothered you?

**Alucard:** Nope, it was the whole, 'Look mummy is here, I'm going to act like a wuss' thing, I didn't like. The snogging was the best part... And I'm eager to make a sequel, eh master... ?

**Integra:** Maybe silver bullets wont work on Death, but it surely will in a big mouthed vampire...

**Teleute:** Ok, guys I like it that way... So deal with it! Putting that aside, I have a new idea...

**Integra:** May God and the Queen help us...

**Walter:** Lets all give a chance to Lady Teleute, yes? Go on...

**Teleute:** Bram Stoker's Alucard!!!!!!! The movie from Francis Ford Coppola bassed in the infamous vampire novel! What do you think?

**All:** ...

**Teleute:** Fine with me, I want to pissed my annoying purist little brother (Dream)... Awwww, come on guys..., I could be wrost...

**Maxwell:** How?

**Teleute:**(evil grin) Del could direct the movie instead of me...

**Victoria:** Del...?

**Teleute:** Yup, Delirium...Come here sis'!

**Delirium:** NiCe, PrEtTy We FlYiNg FiShEs AnD gUm FoR yOur HaIr!!

**Incognito:** Argh! She put bubblegum in my head!

**Delirium:** MeAnIe, I dOn'T lIkE yOu, YoU'll SeE tHe SuN fOrEvEr AnD eVeR!

**Incognito:** Ah! It's the sun I'm burning!, I cannot runaway! Help!

**Rest of the cast:** We'll do it...

**Teleute:** He, I knew that my sweet lil' sis will convice you! Del, why don't you play in silence with your new friend here...

**Incognito:** Help, the sun! I can't stand it anymore!!!

**Delirium:** OkAy, OkAy, OkAy...

**Teleute: **That's a good Endless... Now where were we? Oh, I remember I'm going to be the director, Walter the narrator... Now for the roles... Alucard will be Dracula...

**Maxwell:** No, surprise there... 

**Alucard: **What did you say human?

**Maxwell:** Nothing, nothing, he he

**Teleute:** Ok, the roles of Dracula's brides will be played by the vampire slut in episode one, Jessica aka Bonnie and Bubbancy aka Laura Wingates. 

**Vampire Slut:** My name is Morganna, but you can call me Morggy, not slut!

**Teleute:** Ok, sorry Morggy... Uhmm... Jonathan Harker will be played by Enrico Maxwell

**Maxwell:** Of, course I have the leading male in the movie...

**Integra:** Not to mention the annoying and whinning male 'hero', I pity the poor soul who is going to be Mina...

**Teleute:** He he, funny you said that, Integra... because you have the role of Mina Murray...

**Integra:** WHAT?????!!!!!!!! I'M NOT GOING TO MARRY WITH THAT DAMN PRIEST NOR HAVE A LOVE AFFAIR WITH A FILTHY VAMPIRE...!!!

**Alucard:** I love you too, Integra...

**Integra:** I'M THE BLOODY HELLSING'S HEIR, I SHOULD BE ABRAHAM VAN HELSING!

**Teleute:** He's an old man, Integra. You're a young woman...

**Integra:** I DON'T CARE, I DRESSED AS A MAN! WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE, THEN?

**Teleute:** This is *my* fic Integra, it's me or Del you choose... Would you like ended like Incognito?

**Integra:** Uhmmp, I supossed you're the lesser of two evil... Alright,... but I still don't want to shoot any love scene with Alucard or Maxwell...

**Desire:** I could make you want it...

**Teleute:** Epithumia, dear sibling go and play with Mania and Incognito... If I need you to uhmm spice the things I'll call you right the way...

**Desire:** Ok, big sister, this will be fun... 

**Integra:** Weird family you have... Speaking of kin, who's going to be my great-grandfather?

**Teleute:** Uhmmm Anderson?

**Integra:** WHAT???!!! NO FUCKING PRIEST IS GOING TO BE MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER!!! 

**Teleute: **No swearing... Ok, ok I would put Anderson as the annoying priest in the prologue (the one who gave the speech about Elisabeta being damned, yadda, yadda)... And Van Helsing will be played by Peter Ferguson..., better?

**Integra:**... Yes... Ferguson?

**Ferguson:** Yes, Sir Integra?

**Integra:** Don't dissapointed me or I fired you...

**Ferguson:** I won't..., trusted me...

**Teleute:** Well, Seras you'll be Lucy Westenra, is that ok with you?

**Seras:** Uhmmm, who?

**Teleute:** Mina's best friend and Dracula's victim

**Seras:** Uhmmm...???

**Teleute:** The red-haired woman!

**Seras:** Oh, I know who she is...

**Teleute:** Thank God..., Pickman you will be Dr. John Seward; Stetra you'll be Quincey Morris and Luke Valentine you have the role of Sir Arthur Holmwood... Uhmm let's see..., oh Yan you'll be Renfield!

**Yan:** Why I have to be that fucking freak!?

**Teleute:** I said not swearing... And you're a freak yourself and it's suits you, that's why...

**Yan:** You bitch!

**Teleute:** Uhmm, I think I finish... Oh! I forgot! The child/victim of Lucy will be play by Helena...

**Helena:** What is a little time lost in the emptyness of the existence...

**Teleute:** You go girl! Sooo, better to start now so, I can finish and start real good stories...

**Integra:** You have any _good _ stories?

**Teleute:** Shut up, or else...

**Integra:** Else, what? You're so pathetic...

**Teleute:** Is that so? Well, for that I'll make you wear a big pink dress in my fics...

**Integra: **Please don't, I'll shut up

**Teleute:** And behave...?

**Integra:** ...I...will

**Teleute:** And the rest?

**All:** okay

**Teleute:** I can't hear yoouuuuuu...

**All:** OK!

**Teleute:** See, it wasn't so hard, was it?

**All:** ...

**Incognito:** HELP! HELP! The sun, must hide... 

**Teleute:** Sis' stop that, please. It's giving me a headache...

**Delirium: **OkAy, BuT jUsT yOu AsKeD mE... i ThInK... nOt SuRe...

**Incognito:** THE SUN! The sun? What in the name of Loki Setho I'm doing? I, Incognito, a true undead, bla,bla, bla, hell on Earth, bla, bla, bla, world conquest, bla, bla, bla...

**Teluete:** I've changed my mind sister, you could take him in to your realm, I don't need him here, If I did I'll call you, don't worry...

**Delirium:** OkAy, CoMe NiTo...

**Incognito: **Who dare to call me...? Oh, it's you get out and leave me be! What's that, a portal? NOOO I don't want go, HEEEEEEEEELP

**Teleute:** Now guys... everyone has a script, right?

**Seras:** Uhmm Miss Teleute, uhmm your caligraphy is terrible... We don't understand a word...

**Teleute:** Uhmm, well then you have to wait that I finished tying so we could get started....

**All:** Yay!

**Teleute:** Don't open the champagne, yet... I have more time to write another fic, he he... (grins)

_The Cast:_

_Alucard as........................................................................................................................................ Count Dracula_

_Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing as..................................................................................................... Mina Murray/Elisabeta_

_Enrico Maxwell as........................................................................................................................... Jonathan Harker_

_Seras Victoria as.............................................................................................................................. Lucy Westenra_

_Peter Ferguson as...................................................................................................................... Dr. Abraham Van Helsing_

_Stetra as............................................................................................................................................ Quincey Morris_

_Pickman as....................................................................................................................................... Dr. John Seward_

_Luke Valentine as............................................................................................................................. Sir Arthur Holmwood_

_Yan Valentine as.................................................................................................................................... Renfield_

_Alexander Anderson as................................................................................................................... Annoying talking priest_

_The Vampire Minister as................................................................................................................... Random Priest_

_Vampire Sl..., I mean Morggy as........................................................................................................ Bride # 1_

_Jessica as............................................................................................................................................ Bride # 2_

_Bubbancy as........................................................................................................................................ Bride # 3_

_Helena as............................................................................................................................................. Child Victim_

_Reifu as................................................................................................................................................ Gypsy servant # 1_

_Andy Costibaliti as............................................................................................................................... Gypsy servant # 2_

_Harry Anders as .................................................................................................................................. Captain of the ship_

_Men who wanted to kill young Integra................................................................................................ Turks soldiers_

_Walter Kum Dorne as................................................................................................................................... Narrator_

_Teleute as...................................................................................................................................................... Director_

**Disclamer:** Nothing of this belong to me! Hellsing's characters belong to Studio Gonzo and Kouta Hirano; Dracula and his characters belong to Bram Stoker (and the love story to Coppola). And The Sandman belong to Neil Gaiman and Vertigo. 

Again, I apologize for my bad english, I hope everything is quite _legible..._ Please review, flames are welcome...  



	2. Prologue

**Prologue**

  
**Teleute**: So, are you ready guys?

  
**Walter:** Do we have a choice?

**  
Teleute:** No

  
**Walter:** (sighs)

  
**Teleute:** Silence in the set! Action!

  
**Walter:** Castle Dracula The Year: 1462 A.D. CONSTANTINOPLE HAD FALLEN. MUSLIM TURKS SWEPT INTO EUROPE WITH A VAST, SUPERIOR FORCE, STRIKING AT ROMANIA, THREATENING ALL OF CHRISTENDOM. FROM TRANSYLVANIA AROSE A ROMANIAN KNIGHT,OF THE SACRED ORDER OF THE DRAGON, KNOWN AS DRACULEA.

  
**Alucard:** That's me! Meet your doom, you weaklings! HAHAHAHAHA (kills some turks with his guns)

  
**Teleute:** Cut! Alucard you don't have any speech in this scene! And you're supossed to have a sword!

  
**Alucard: **Really?

  
**Teleute:** Yes, didn't you read the script?

  
**Alucard:** (smirks) I like to improvised... This way is much better...

  
**Walter:** May I continue?

  
**Teleute:** Go on... Action!

  
**Walter:** ON THE EVE OF THE BATTLE, HIS BRIDE ELISABETA WHOM HE PRIZED ABOVE ALL THINGS ON EARTH KNEW THAT HE MUST FACE AN INSURMOUNTABLE FORCE FROM WHICH HE MIGHT NEVER RETURN.

  
(Alucard try to hug Integra and gets a 'don't touch me' glare from her. Integra wears her sailor dress that used to have when she was 13. She has a gun in her right hand)

  
**Teleute:** Cut! Integra, what the hell are you wearing?

  
**Integra:** This is the only dress I have! 

  
**Teleute: **Ok..., just hide the gun, please?

  
**Integra:** Are you kidding? We are at war here! Is this Elisabeta an idiot that she stroll everywhere without a weapon?

  
**Teleute:** This is a movie Integra, do it or I sure I will make you wear that nice pink dress, I 've told you about...

  
(Integra curses and hides the gun)

  
(In the Medieval Romanian Battlefield Alucard kisses Integra's crucifix )

  
**Alucard **(in his language): God be praised! I am victorious!...

  
**Alucard** (grins maddly): The hell with God, I should be praised! I'm the best, that pathetic turks couldn't beat me... (kicks a dead turk) MUHAHAHAHA (Integra's face comes into his mind) Elisabeta! My master!Erhh... I mean my love!

  
**Walter:** THE VENGEFUL TURKS SHOT AN ARROW INTO THE CASTLE CARRYING THE FALSE NEWS OF DRACULEA'S DEATH. ELISABETA, BELIEVING HIM DEAD, FLUNG HERSELF INTO THE RIVER. Oh no, I shall save you Sir Integra! I mean Lady Elisabeta. (uses his wires to catch the falling Integra)

  
**Integra:** Thanks, Walter...

  
**Teleute: **Cut! You're supossed to be dead! To commit suicide!

  
**Integra: **I'm afraid of highs since the helicopter accident, I'm no going to jump again...

  
**Teluete:** Improvise a suicide then, I don't care, just be dead... Got it? Action...

  
**Walter: **AS I WAS SAYING... ELISABETA, BELIVING HIM DEAD, (pauses)

  
(Integra grabs a dagger and stabs herself in the neck)

  
**Walter: **SHE STABED HERSELF IN THE NECK...

  
(Alucard returns to the castle Integra lies dead on the chapel floor)

  
**SUICIDE NOTE FROM INTEGRA**(rumanian?): My useless husband is dead. All is lost without him. The castle is a disaster..., he didn't pay the the money that the turks had lend him. He even stole my cross! Damn him to hell... May God and the Queen pay our bills...

  
**Anderson** (that language again): She has taken her own life without paying the taxes!. Her soul cannot be saved. She is damned. It is God's Law. And HE IS PERFECT! WE'RE HIS SERVANTS

  
**Alucard** (translation): Yeah, suuuuuure (rolles eyes), Ehem... Nooo! Is this my reward for following all her commands? I mean God's will... Who needs God anyway? I'm find without him...

  
**Anderson **(translation): You'll pay for this sacrilage (grabs his swords and throws some to Alucard). In the Name of God, Amen...

  
**Alucard **(translation): I renounce God! I shall rise from my own death to avenge hers with all the powers of darkness! Yeah I rock! That sounds really neat! He he

  
( Alucard extracts Anderson's swords and with one of them stabs at the altar cross Blood pours from it, from the eyes of statues, and from candle flames Alucard fills a chalice with the blood and drinks it)

  
**Alucard** (translation): The blood is the life and it shall be mine! Geez, this is much better than Hellsing's medicine blood...  


(Blood covers the chapel floor, Integra stands up)  


**Teleute:** Cut! You're supossed to be dead!   


**Integra** (points to the blood): I'm not going to be bath in the vampire's filthy blood! That's just disgusting!  


**Teleute:** (massages her temples) Alright...(notices Alucard and Anderson's fight) Alucard! Anderson! Stop both of you!  


(Anderson and Alucard stop their dueling)  


**Anderson:** You can't stop a man in a mission of God  


**Teleute:** Yes I can, I'm Death after all! And besides you can't kill Alucard, yet... You'll have to wait we finish the movie, it's that clear? For both of you...  


**Anderson and Alucard:** yes...

  
**Teleute:** Alright, it's all for today, or I will loss my mind, as Del did... See you, tomorrow... And please, try to follow the script, yes?  


**All:** We'll try... (evil grin) 

**Disclamer:** I don't own anything, alright? If you want to sue me is your loss... Well another really bad chapter is 6:00 AM I didn't sleep so... Again, my english is **_not_** good... So you'll have to excuse me... Review (flames are welcome too!). And yes, all the character's are a bit (a lot!) OCC... Thanks for your review General Sephiroth!! The sequel of both fics will have to wait a little... Next week a have a lot of exams... (damn University T_T). 


	3. Chapter 1 jezz, what an original name I'...

**Chapter 1 **

  
**Teleute**: Hiya guys! Miss me, I'm sure?

**Integra:** Not really, we'll expecting that you have something better to do like, well, collect dead peaple instead to messing with the alive ones... Since you're Death...

**Teleute:** Are you saying I'm bad at my job? 

**Integra: **What do you think?

**Teleute: **I think someone need a hug! Alucard, your master needs to be hug!

**Alucard:**(grins) Oh, master...

(Integra tries to escape but Alucard catch her and hugs her)

**Teleute: **Awww, isn't that sweet...

**Maxwell: **(rolls eyes) Very sweet, if I had diabetes I'll dead by now...

**Teleute:** (smirks) Owww, someone *is* jealous, he he

**Maxwell: **I'm a catholic priest, I'm supossed to live in celibate...

**Teleute: **Well, but Iscariote's priests are anything but normal...

**Anderson:** You cursed being! We are the messengers of God, our word is a...

**All: **Shut up!

**Paul:** Why I am here?

**Teleute: **I need someone who may play Mr Hawkins and you're the only left...

**Paul: **What about Incognito?

**Teleute:** Uhmm he kinda runaway with my lil' sis'

**Integra: **I think that the word dragged into her insanity world is the more true to the facts...

**Teleute: **Details, details...Okay, guys let's begin! Silent in the Set! 3,2,1 Action!

  
**Walter:** (due to the lack of a narrator he put the computer tittles) 

1 8 9 7 A.D.

  
Four centuries later

E N G L A N D

LONDON  
LATE EVENING  
Carfax District Lunatic Asylum  
Renfield's Cell

**Yan Valentine: **I've done everything that you asked, Master...  
(his expresion turns blank) I forgot my lines... he he

**Teleute:** Cut! Dammit! Walter!

**Walter: **Yes, Miss Teleute...

**Teleute:** Please do something! Help that moron! 

**Walter:**(bows) As you wish

**Teleute:** Jezzz, Does anyone here even read the script?

**Alucard: **Actually...

**Teleute:** Save it...

(Alucard smirks)

(Walter stars to typing Yan's lines, they're appearing in a screen)

**Teleute: **Thanks Walter... Silent! 3,2,1 Action!

**Yan:**(obvisously reading) All the preparations are in ...order.   
(He tries to reach for a fly on the ceiling, but fails... He tries again and fails... He pisses off and shoots at the fly who falls dead in to his hand...)   
I await your... uhmm..command for I know that,... uhmmm when the rewards... uhnmm..are given, and... what? Damn! Low yourself old man! I can't read the fucking lines. You're too damn fast!

**Teleute:** Cut! I said *NO* swearing! 

(Yan rolls eyes)

**Teleute:** Walter please continue your typing, this time remember he surely failed english in first grade...

**Yan:** Bitch! How did you know that!? Bro' did you tell her?

**Luke: **No, brother she must have figured out by herself...

**Integra:** It's not that hard, you unholy illiterate...

**Alucard:** He he, that's true master...

**Teleute: **Everybody SHUT UP!

**All:** ...

**Teleute:** Ok, 3,2,1 Action!

**Yan: **I'll be one of those who benefits from your generosity.

(He eats the fly, turns green and starts to throwing out)

  
**Yan: **What the fuck? I'm a vampire not a toad! Old Man, what was the last line... oh...I remember: Thank you. (insane grin)

**Teleute: **Cut! Ok, that was... peculiar now we need to shoot the next scene Paul, Maxwell be ready...

**Maxwell:** Can't my bodyguard shoot this scene instead of me?

**Teleute:** Why? This is not a dangerous scene...

**Maxwell:** I'm follow someone's commands!!!!! I'm the leader of Iscariote, I'm not going to be boss for some idiot unholy being...

**Teleute:** No..., now go and suit yourself or you'll be sorry to be born! Silent in the set! 3,2,1 Action!  
  
**Walter's typing:**

  
THE NEXT MORNING  
The Law Firm of Hawkins and Thompkins  
(Mr. Hawkins speaks with law clerk Jonathan Harker)

**Paul: **Gone really really mad, loony, psycho. Renfield is deranged. He's lost his greedy mind, poor chap. Well I never like him anyways... I want you to take over for his foreign client, this rather eccentric freak of the nature: Count Dracula. He's buying up property around London... We'll always get the bad ones in our country...(shakes his head)

**Maxwell:**(evil grin) Of course, sir. I will tend to the Count. Thank you for your confidence. You can ever trust me..., for obvious reason I'm the best... You're so young and great boss to all of us... So when you retired remember who is your best man, eh? (winks eye)

**Paul:** Erhhh, right... This is a great opportunity for you, Harker, but you will have to leave for Transylvania immediately. Opportunities such as this come but once in a lifetime.(mumbles) or in more if your a vampire...

**Maxwell:** Yes, of course, sir. If I may inquire, what in fact happened to Mr. Renfield in Transylvania? If you don't mind. As you might know any incriminating evidence against you wont leave this room and certanly will never, ever be arrive at the hands of a judge... he he

**Paul:** (nervous) Er... Nothing, nothing. Personal problems. Close these transactions and your future with this firm is assured. So don't sue us...

**Maxwell: **Yes, sir. I will give it my word that I'll try to give it my fullest atention... Here boss as a gift a bought you some cuban cigars...

**Paul: **Why, thank you

(grabs a cigar...)

**Integra:** What the hell? My cigars! (grabs her gun and shoots Maxwell, who dodges and hit Paul who turns in to ashes)

**Teleute:** Cut! Jezzz Integra you kill an actor!

**Integra: **I didn't want to kill the unholy undead being, I want to kill the unholy alive being! He stole my cigars...(points to Maxwell)

**Maxwell:** (pretends to don't know what she's talking about) Do you have any evidence?

**Integra:** ...

**Maxwell:** (sly grin) 

**Teluete:** Okay peaple, coffe break...!

**Integra:** I'm english, I'rather have tea...

**Teleute: **(sighs) Okay, okay, sorry... Tea break then...

(Hellsing squad enters dressed as waiters and stars to serve the coffe... errr tea)

After 20 minutes...

**Teleute: **Well, now is time for the romantic scene between Mina and Jonathan... Silent in the set! 3,2,1 Action!

  
**Walter: **(typing)

KENT  
THE NEXT MORNING  
The Garden at Hillingham Estate (Faversham, Kent)  
(Maxwell is next to Integra who *gasp* is in a lavender dress, she has a blank look in her face)

**Integra:** (confuse) We've waited this long..., haven't we? Damn what's wrong with me?

**Maxwell:** (gets closer to her) We can be married when I return.

**Integra:** (hesitases a little) Of course, I think... 

**Maxwell:** I'll write. 

**Integra:** Jonathan, Jonathan, I am not feeling very well...

**Maxwell: **(gives her a yellow rose) I love you, Mina. You're feeling the overwelcome love we both share..

(He tries to kiss her, but Integra passes away in his arms)

**Teleute:** Cut! What the hell is wrong with Integra??? Maxwell!

**Maxwell: **(smirks) I don't know what are talking about...

**Alucard:**( growls) Confess human! My master will *never* be in a dress... or she will close to you...

**Maxwell:** Ok ok, maybe I pay someone to drug her tea, so what? I was in self-defense... She would have kill me in that scene otherwise...

**Seras:** That was low! Even for you... Said something, Miss Teleute...

**Teleute: **You drug her? Jezz how come I didn't think that before... What drug did you use?

**Seras:** Miss Teleute!!

**Teleute:** Oh, I mean, bad priest, bad priest...

**Walter:** Excuse me, but you ever think about what will be her reaction when she wakes up...?

**Maxwell:** Oh,... never think of that before!

**Alucard: **(smirks) Run Maxwell run...!

**Teleute: **Try to stay alive Maxwell, we *need* a Harker after all... See you tomorrow night, I'm outta here, before Integra awakes...

  
**Disclamer:** Like I said before I don't own anything..., I'm not smart enough to create such a cool characters... Thanks for the reviews:

General Sephiroth (Success in the first exam, yay!)

  
Akima Wingates Mabius (I'm glad you like the movie too)

  
croaky (Don't worry, Anderson'll have some cameos...)

  
Angie (Thanks for your help, I sent you an e-mail, but It was revoked... :( Please, send me a e-mail so I can aswer back! (mara_jade666@hotmail.com) *Teleute wonders if Death can be kill with a hug!*). Speaking of Death, here's a pic of the Death I use in 'Choices': http://www.stwing.org/~lgardner/images/deathcaf.jpg.

  
Bye!!!


	4. Chapter 2 Journey to Transylavnia or Ano...

**Bram Stoker's Alucard Chapter 2!  
(Journey to Transylavnia, another corny name) **

**Seras:** Hello Miss Teleute! (waves hand)

**Teleute:**(puts a finger in her lips) Ssshhh

**Seras**: Sorry

**Teleute:** Is Integra still pissed by the drug incident?

**Seras: **Uhmmm mmmm...

**Integra:** (furious glare) What do you think?

**Teleute:** (nervous smile) Oh, hi 'Gra, I didn't see you, he he

**Integra:** (livid) SHUT UP! WHERE IS HE?!!! WHERE DID YOU HIDE HIM!?

**Teleute:** Who?

**Integra: **Don't play dumb with me! You know exactly *who* I'm talking about! The bastard priest who not only dared to drug me but also nearly *kissed* me!!!!!! I'm the Virgin of Steel and he's a bloody priest!!!!!!!!

**Teleute:** Calm down, you can't kill him until the movie is over. Besides you'll go to jail... or might have a problem with the Vaticans guys. Why don't you do something embarassing in return instead? (mischivous grin)

**Integra:** (raises an eyebrown) Like what?

(Teleute gets closer and whispers something at her ear)

**Integra:** He what?!!! Really!!??

(Teleute nods)

**Integra:** (evil grin) I see...

**Alucard: **See what, master?

(Integra whispers into his ear)

**Alucard:**(smirks) Soooo, he had a dirty and slimier side even!

(Kim appears with her cameraman)

**Kim:** (holding a microphe) What's his secret, Sir Integra?

**Integra: **(sends her a cold glare) None of your business...

**Kim: **The citizens have the right to know about the Paladin's dirty secrets!

**Maxwell:**(appears surrender by a hundred of priest-bodyguards) What are you talking about? 

**Integra:**(confident smile) Oh, hello Maxweeeeeell

**Maxwell:** (surprises) Aren't you mad at me?

**Integra: **Not any more... I just discovered something *VERY* interesting...

**Maxwell: **What?

**Teleute:** Maxwell don't stand there as an idiot and go to change NOW!

**Maxwell:** Ok, don't pressure me. I don't do a good job under stress

**Alucard:** Really? Then you must be underpressure everytime in your pathetic excuse of life, priest 

**Teleute: **Shut up! Not all of us are inmortal Alucard, so I want to start soon to not delay 100 years in finish the bloody parody!! And I am growing tired of your arguments

**Walter:** Everything is already set, Miss Teleute

**Teleute: **Thanks Walter. Now, silence in the set, 3,2,1 Action!

  
**Walter: **(typing)

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

T R A N S Y L V A N I A

MIDDAY  
(On a Train Maxwell writes in his journal, err types in his computer to update his blog)

**ENRICO MAXWELL'S GREAT GREAT JOURNAL**, 25th May, Buda-Pesth:   
Dear Diary, Left Buda-Pesth early this morning, v. sleepy, really boring... The impression I had was that we were leaving the west and entering the east and there weren't any good flower shops, where I was supposed to buy some flowers to impress peaple?. There's nonewhere this damned land when I could buy my trademark yellow roses, darn I should have pick pink carnations instead of yellow roses, easier to find and plus they're cheapier. But gladly the peaple was more easy to fool..., errr I mean the country peaple tend to be more trustworthy, he he. They made some donations to the church, unfourtunaly since I fear the thieves in this lands, I had to spend it in a portrait of myself and the countryside. I was desolate... *snif* GO ME!   
The district I am to enter is in the extreme east of the country, just on the borders of three states--Transylvania, Moldavia and Bukovina, in the midst of the Carpathian Mountains, one of the wildest and least known portions of Europe, blah, blah. blah...   
I don't know why in the name of the Pope I keep writing this bloody diary as I was teaching a lesson of geography. Just boring... Must be all that *blood of Christ* I keep drinking, he he. Well since I don't have anything better to do I will read the fre... err client's letter, apparently he didn't know how to send an e-mail. Idiot. Is that or pray. 

Mood: Boring

(He opens and reads the letter)

**LETTER FROM COUNT ALUCARD TO ENRICO MAXWELL: **My 'friend'...  
Welcome to the Carpathians. We are thirstly... I mean I am anxiously expecting you. At the Borgo Pass, my carriage will await you and bring you to me. Be puntual or it will leave you at the mercy of very hungry wolves... I trust your journey from London has been a happy one and you didn't screw up as the idiot you are.  
Your client, A. (What you'll be expecting? I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND)

Ps: I know your secret he he he

(Maxwell glups)

**INTEGRA HELLSING'S DIARY (CIGARS' SMOKE)**, 25th May: Jonathan at last have make himself useful and got an important assignment. And has been gone almost a week. Freedom! He's always complaining about me smoking cigars.Idiot. And, although I was disappointed that he didn't departure before, but well better later than never. I am longing to hear all the news, specially the bad and embarasing ones. I don't think what is so great in seeing another countries, England is the best place in the world!. Uhmm but certanly some countries crime laws aren't so strict like here... I wonder if we, I mean Jonathan and I, shall ever see them together? And which one of us will return of that trip...

Ps: I know his secret

Mood: None of your business

**Teleute: **Cut! Well all the diaries were OOC and I really don't think that they have computers in the XIX century, but you don't try to kill each other or *did* kill someone (looks to Integra who sends her a cold glare). That means were progressing in getting to the right script!

**All: **(groans)

**Teleute:** Well we... (notices Alucard speaking at Seras's ear, while pointing to Maxwell)

**Seras: **(giggles) Really, Master?

**Alucard:** (smirks)

**Maxwell: **...

(Seras runs towards Walter)

**Teleute: **Okay, peaple, silent in the set! 3,2,1 Action!

**Walter** (who just finished his chat with Seras types)

NIGHTFALL  
Borgo Pass  
Enrico Maxwell disembarks from a coach  
(By the way, I know his secret too)

**Maxwell:**(yawns) We're early, driver. No one is here. And he told ME about being in time, he's not a gentleman, such as I am (smug smile)

(A fellow passenger (Flesh) tries hand Harker a crucifix, who looks a lot like a mini-camera)

**Kim **(weird language): For the dead travel as fast as the news! 

**Maxwell: **Sorry, but I do want some privacy. This is a mini-camera

**Kim:** (shocks expression) What are implying that we want to film some gore vampires' feeding for the sake's of the rating?!

**Maxwell:** Yes

**Kim:** (angry) Fine, have it in your way! This is a act against press freedom! The peaple want to see the bloocksuckers in action!

(Kim hits Maxwell with her microphe who lands in the floor. Leave in mercy of the wolves)

**Maxwell:**(mumbles) Maybe I should have pray instead of reading that letter...

(A wolf tries to attack him, but Maxwell screams as a baby and scares the wolf away but he doesn't get that far, Maxwell's bodyguards rushes in and stars to shot the poor wolves)

**Teleute: **Cut! All of you get way of the set, right NOW!

(Everyone start to move away)

**Teleute:** Not you Maxwell!

**Maxwell:** But you said...

**Teleute:** Don't get cocky with me! Now move your ass and go back to your possition! 3,2,1 Action!

  
(The passenger coach speeds away as Alucard's coach approaches The coachdriver bids Maxwell to enter and sit down)

**Maxwell:** Wait a minute! Someone must carry my lugbage and that wont be me!

**Coachdriver:** ...

**Maxwell:** And you're supposed to be earlier I nearly got eat by wolves!

**Coachdriver: **...

**Maxwell: **I refuse to go with someone so irresponsable. Besides, your coach is dirty!

(Croachdriver fakes a wolf' owl, a scare Maxwell rushes in without thinking twice)

(The coach speeds away)

**Maxwell:** I say, is the castle far?

**Coahdriver:** ...

**Maxwell:** (pisses) Are you deft or the wolf ate your tongue!? Stupid freak!

**Coachdriver:** ...

(The coach speeds up a narrow crag toward Dracula's castle, Maxwell goes forward for the speeding. Then, it passes through a circle of blue fire.  
Maxwell is thrown in the courtyard by an unknown force. Then his lungbage lands in his head and passes away)

**Coachdriver:** I WASN'T SUPOSSED TO SPEAK YOU BLOODY MORON!

(Maxwell wakes up, with a BIG headache, and gets up)

**Maxwell:**(weeps) My drawing! Stupids barbarians! I should have stay in England! 

(As Maxwell approaches the castle doors, they swing open, an episode 10-bondage-Alucard bearing a lantern enters the chamber)

**Alucard:** Do you have a nice trip? He he. This is my home, steal anything and you're doom. Err I mean: Enter freely of your own will and leave all the holy things you bring.

(Alucard points to a corner who has the sign: 'Unwanted Holy objects'. Maxwell leaves his cross and handpocked bible)

**Alucard:** You have sacred wine in that bottle, leave it

(Maxwell curses and mumbles something about how necesary is the blood of Christ)

**Maxwell:** So you're Count Dracula? 

**Alucard:** (insane grin) I am Dracula, and I bid you welcome, Harker, to my house. Come in. 

(Maxwell hesitases)

**Alucard:** Oh, come in. What are scare of? That I would bite you?

**Maxwell: **Well, yes

**Alucard: **INSIDE NOW!

(Maxwell steps over the threshhold Alucard leads him into the dining room)

**Alucard:** You will, I trust, excuse me that I do not join you but I have already dined and I never drink...wine since the time I got drunk and I woke up in a church. Horrible expirience. Not that I care about you anyways, you're just a burden.

(Maxwell begins to eat. He motions toward a portrait on the wall)

Maxwell: An ancestor? I see a resemblance. Both ungly and freaky

**Alucard:**(speech mode) The Order of the Dracul...the Dragon...an ancient society pledging my forefathers to defend the church against all enemies of my Master, errr Christ. The order got off rid all the trash in this world! But sadly work-relationships don't work out too well.

**Maxwell: **(snickering) Oh, yes, they must be got tired about the freaky bondage's fashion.

(Alucard angrily grabs his Jackal, swings it overhead and points the forehead at Maxwell)

**Alucard:** LISTEN TO ME, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING! DID I MEAN THAT TO BE FUNNY? SHUT UP AN LISTEN THEN! We Draculs have a right to be proud. What devil or witch was ever so great as Attila whose blood flows in these veins? Blood is too precious a thing in these times, since the inflation the cost are too high now in all the Carpatos' zone!. Back to the importand: Me. I am the last of my kind, wich is much better than yours! The warlike days are over. The victories of my great race are but a tale to be told. Isn't that speech, great? Oh, I often surprise myself!  
  
**Maxwell:**(rolls eyes) I have offended you with my ignorance, Count. Forgive me. Here a yellow rose... (sly smile)

  
LATER  
The Library at Castle Alucard 

(Alucard affixes his seal (a cool five point star) to the deed of purchase)

**Alucard:** (speech mode again) I do so long to go through the crowded streets of your mighty London, to be in the midst of the whirl and the rush of humanity, to share its life, its changes, its deaths. Not that I would die, only the weak die! I'm above that (fang-showing smirk)

(Maxwell, rolling his eyes, affixes his signature to the deed)

**Maxwell: **There. You, Count, are the owner of Carfax Abbey in Purfleet. Congratulations. Here more roses to celebrate (hands him a bouquet of yellow roses)

(Alucard takes the roses and eats them)

**Alucard:** Your firm writes most highly of your talents. They say you are a man of good taste and that you are a worthy substitute to your predescessor, Mr. Renfield, a freak pshycho. But now I see that they truly exaggerate in that... Maybe they didn't see you as the coward you're.

**Maxwell:** (infurates) You may rely on me, Count, he he. Forgive my curiosity but why 10 houses in such precise locations around London? Is it to raise the market value? Or you are going to open a bondage night club?

**Alucard:**(fangs showing) None of your business. And if you mention my bondage again I'm going to make you eat those sissy roses of yours... And of course deveal your naughty secret, he he.

**Maxwell:**(nervous) Errr

**Teleute: **Cut! Cut! Cut! Alucard! How many times I have to tell you!

**Alucard:**(grins) To follow the script? No many enough... This is boring I want to kill somebody!

**Teleute: **Just follow your lines and I promise that in my other fic you'll have 'fun'

**Integra:** Just do it Alucard! Read and act! Is an order!

**Alucard:** As you wish, Master. And I hope your other fic will get bloody for my tastes...

**Teleute:** It'll. Now silence in the set! 3,2,1 Action!

(Alucard picks up Maxwell's photograph of Integra, who is frowning and smoking a cigar)

**Alucard:** Do you believe in destiny, that even the powers of time can be ordered to a single purpose? Neither do I, everyone has a free choice. Of course someone are too proud to choose the best ways because of some stupid duty... But due to continue the stupid script I have to add, the luckiest man who walks on this earth is the one who finds a true master to serve... and love...

**Maxwell:** You found Mina. I thought she was lost, oh well you can't live of a fantasy. We're to be married as soon as I return. Are you married, Count?

**Alucard:** (no answer)

(Alucard's shadow turnes in to a hound shadow who bit off the head of Maxwell's shadow)

**Maxwell: **Is the a deft problem in the East? I hope is not contagious... Are you married?! Of course not, who could be married to a bondage freak as yourself!

(Alucard resists the urge to kill Maxwell)

**Alucard:** I was married once...ages ago it seems. She died.

**Maxwell: **Oh, I'm very sorry.

**Alucard:** (shakes his head solemly) She was fool, traped in her own mortality, refusing to accepted a better life. My life at its best is a mystery and I enjoy it a lot. She will no doubt make a devoted mas...wife and you a... unfaithful husband. Come, write now, my friend, to your firm and to any loved ones, who must be a few, and say that it should please you to stay with me in my lovely castle to help me redecorate until a month from now.

(Maxwell fall sleep because of his long speech)

**Alucard: **WAKE UP, YOU IDIOT!

**Maxwell:** (opens an eye) Uhmmm five more minutes mummy, I have a terrible nightmare, I was in a horrible castle with a bondage freak and... Oh... It wasn't a bad dream

**Alucard:** (mocks) Good night, sleeping beauty, should the prince give you a kiss to wake up you?

**Maxwell:**(getting out) No, I'm already awake, he he.

**Alucard:** Good, I didn't pay for a lazy piece of scum like you... Now sit down and write a letter to everyone who can stands your company and tell them you'll stay here for a month... Is that clear?

**Maxwell:**(yanws) A month? Do you wish me to stay so long?

**Alucard: **JUST DO IT! Or you won't have any hands to write a letter in your life!

(Dramatic exit of Alucard)

**Maxwell: **(mumbles) Great... now I'm trap in FreakyLand for a whole month (rolls eyes) Oh joy...

**Teleute:** Cut!

**Hellsing's cast (save for Alucard, Walter and Maxwell):** zzzz

**Teleute:** WAKE UP!

**Hellsing's cast: **We finished your story? Can we go now?

**Teleute: **No, you haven't finished the movie, yet... That was only a dream that lil' brother give you. Sorry.

(Hellsing's cast groan)

**Teleute:** (sweatdrops) I love you too guys... But for now we're done.

**Seras:** Really?

**Teleute: **Yes.

**Seras: **When I'm going to show up, you always leave me behind in your stories...

**Alucard:**(pats Seras' shoulder) You're a lucky one, policewoman.

**Teleute: **Hush Alucard or you'll appear in a pink ballet tutu next time. In the next chapter Seras, and I'm sorry... Next fic I write you'll be the main character, promise!

**Integra:** Someone has to take her out this misery...

**Teleute:** Ok, guys now to the disclamer, author's notes and reviews! ñ_ñ

  
Disclamer: Check out before, none of this is mine... Just some freaky ideas!

Author's notes: Alucard ate the roses because vampires are known to like strong-fragance flowers (except garlic's ones, of course). My english is bad again, forgive the mistakes (and the time it took me to write it). To the one who are reading my other fic (Hellsing: Duty). On Monday I'll send it to my beta reader(s) and I surely change the rate now (R). Now to the reviews:

_Jabberwocky:_ Hello to you too! I'm you laught in the fic! ñ_- See you in the msn :P

  
_Irresponsible Captain Akima:_ Don't hurt me! See I keep the story going! And yes, it wasn't Integra's idea to be in a dress, all Maxwell's fault.

  
_General Sephiroth: _Thank you, only three exams left! (tomorrow I have two O.O)

  
_Damned Caeli:_ Glad you like it. So you're reading the book of Stoker? Well I based more in the Coppola's movie. But the book is really good, a gothic classic!

_  
passionsmuse: _Hi muse! Thanks for your support!

_  
nada:_ Thank you nada, and this Teleute is more my self-insert than the real Death (she wouldn't be so cruel with poor Hellsing's cast, that's Desire job!). Uhmmm Nada? Morpheus' first love, maybe? 

_  
Temperamental Baka Neko: _Ok, I'm waiting your 'real' review Hikaru. It was nice to talk to you in the yahoo messenger yesterday ñ_- . I hope you like the images I sent you!

Oh, you want to know Maxwell's secret too, eh? *mischivous grin* 

So do I :D


	5. Chapter 3: The stupid Party

**Bram Stoker's Alucard Chapter 3 **

**Teleute: **Hello 

**Seras: **Hello miss, you look tired

**Teleute:** University, exams...

**Integra: **You should be study then, so go and stop disturbing our peace!

**Teleuete:** I can have a break sometimes...

**Hellsing's cast: **Darn

**Teleute:** Shut up! Walter!

**Walter: **Yes?

**Teleute:** Prepare everything, Integra...

**Integra: **(crossing her arms) I wont use a bloody dress, forget it.

**Teluete: **Ok, but try the act shy and feminine

**Alucard: **(grins) Master? Shy and feminine?

**Integra: **(glares) What?!

**Alucard: **(smirks)

**Maxwell:** Poor me, what kind of future wife I'll have?

**Integra:** (glares) One who knows his 'dear' husband's secrets and could spill it with every fangirl here...

**Maxwell: **(nervous giggle) Hi hi, the answer is: The best wife in the whole world! (gives her a bouquet of yellow roses)

**Teleute:** Alright guys, everyone on their places... (avoids sword) Anderson?! What the hell you did that for?!

**Anderson:** (annoys) You evil fiend who dares to stop this man of God of having more parts in this travesty!

**Teleute:** Ok, Anderson... Mmm You'll have more cameos, yes? I can't have everyone in there...

**Integra: **You can have my part, if you want it...

**Maxwell and Alucard:** (turning green) NO!

**Teleute: **I agree with them... Be patient, remember that our great Lord prizes those who were patient...

**Anderson:** (kissing his crucifix) Amen

**Walter:** Nice Exit, miss Teleute

**Teleute:** Thank you, Walter. Everything is ready?

**Walter:** Yes.

**Teleute: **Ok, then. Silence in the set! 3, 2, 1 Action!

**Walter's typing:**

  
FIVE DAYS LATER

E N G L A N D

KENT  
MORNING

  
(The Parlour at Hillingham Estate. Integra, dressed as usual and smoking a cigar updates her blog.)

**INTEGRA'S BLOG (CIGAR'S SMOKE)**, 30th May: I know that Jonathan does not want me to stay here with Lucy while he is away, but who cares what that idiot think anyways... I think that if I become accustomed to the wealth and privileges of the Westenra family, I will not be content as the wife of a mere clerk in a law firm, not that I'm happy to marry the maggot, but seems the script is always against me. Besides my family is a hell richier than Westenra, so there... I couldn't care less. But Lucy and I have been friends since wewere children and she has never minded that I dress as a man or smoke cigars... Again, if she does, I wouldn't mind.  


Mood: ... insert stupid emoticon here

(She sneaks a peek at a drawing from Arabian Nights)

**Integra: **This is nearly as bad as than those hentai fanart that I found about Alucard and me in the Internet

(Enter Seras Victoria dresses in her Hellsing uniform, she derribes the door with her strenght)

**Seras:** (blushing embarashed) Oopsss, sorry.... 

**Integra:** (mutters) Maybe I should reconsiderate my friendships too.

**Seras: **Ehem... Mina! Mina! Oh, Mina, you're always working. Is your ambitious Jon Harker forcing you to learn that ridiculous machine when he could be forcing you to perform unspeakable (her voice truns into a whisper) acts... of... despa...rate (Seras's cheeks becomes red as a tomato) passi...on on the parlour floor? (takes a big breath and then sighs in relief)

**Integra:** (annoys) I'm call the Virgin of Steel for something, you know? Guess what? And this 'ridiculous machine' is call a computer.  
  
(Integra stands up a little pisses off and throws Seras the book that hit her on the head.)

**Seras: **(rubbing her forehead) Ouch, Mina, so I see--much, much more. Oh? Oh! That's... errr what's that exactly?

(Integra and Seras page through the book)

**Integra:** Oh please, don't play miss pure and innocent with me...

**Seras: **I only did it last night!

**Integra:** Right, with your taste of clothing, you really expect me to believe you.

**Seras: **(whining) Yes, I did that only once, I swear and it was only in my dreams. Sure you and Jonathan have more experiences together...

**Integra: **(pisses) If I have a gun, I'll shoot you for that, with silver bullets! The rapist tried to kissed me. Yuck, what sick is THAT?!. That's all, or he wouldn't have travel to the East. (evil grin) Corpses can't travel in my experience (eyes Seras) Well most of them, actually. He's so repulsive, the only way I would touch him is with a stick. You're lucky one.

**Seras: **Uhmm... Yes, but not even one marriage proposal. Here I am, almost 20, practically a hag! 

**Integra:** True, but a free hag.

**Seras: **Yes, indeed

**Teleute:** Cut!

**Seras: **How was that?

**Teleute:** ...

**Seras: **(sobs) That bad?

**Teleute: **Uhmm, we need a butler for the next scene... Walter?

**Seras: **You're avoiding me!

**Teleute:** No comment, Seras. Walter could you play that part, someone else could do the typing...

**Walter:** Of course, miss Teleute

**Teleute: **Now, who could do that...?

**Yan:** (waves hand) Me! me!

(Teleute ignores him and looks away)

**Yan: **(jumping) ME! ARE YOU DEAFT YOU FUCKING BITCH!

**Teleute:** NO SWEARING!

**Yan: **You...

**Teleute:** (glares him) Alright, go and I expect you know how to use a computer.

**Yan:** Of course I know how idiot you think I am.

**Teleute:** I rather not answer that.

**Yan: **(on the computer) See?, ha!

**Teleute: **(rubbing her eyes) I can't believe it

**Yan: **What?! I do some clever stuff in the computer too!

**Teleute:** (snorts) What playing video games?

**Luke: **Yes, that is.

**Yan:** Bro'!

**Teleute: **Ok, silence in the set! 3, 2, 1 Action!

**Yan types:**

  
HEARLI THAT EVENNINNG

**Teleute: **Cut! 'hearli'? 'evenninng'?

**Alucard: **See that's why I must eliminate all the vampire trash, they always write 'banpire' instead of 'vampire'. That bring us bad fame.

**Yan: **Shut up! You fucking... (His arm is cut by one of Alexander's sword) Shit! What the heck you did that for, you... (avoids another sword)

**Anderson:** Silence, you unholy fiend! Miss Teleute has named me as 'swearing paladin'. I'll punish in the name of the censorship anyone of the badmouthed enemy of God!

**Yan:** WHAT?!

**Teleute: **Is true since he doesn't have a part, I gave him that job. Isn't that great?

**Cast:** ...

**Teleute: **Fine, have it in your way! Now we must continue! 3, 2, 1 Action!

  
(Seras (dresses with a red tank top and a black mini-skirt) and Integra (dresses with her knight attire and smoking a cigar) watch party guests arrive)

**Walter:** Mr. Quincey P. Morris.

(Enter Stetra with a smug smile in his lips and a cowboy hat.)

  
**Integra:** (disgusted) Look. What is that? 

**Seras: **(blinks) Uhmm a human? 

**Integra:** (sacarsm) Do not tell, I believe he was a monkey!

**Seras: **(blushes)... err... A Texan...Quincey P. Morris. He's so young and fresh, like a ... (her voice goes so low that even vampire hearing can't listen to them)

**Integra: **What?! I can't hear anything...

**Seras: **(blushes) I just know what men desire. Watch.   


(Integra waits a little but Seras is petrifides)

**Integra:** Go, search and seduce!

(Integra pushes Seras who fells into Stetra's arms)

**Seras:** Oh, Captain Quincey, sorry...

**Stetra:** Miss Lucy. Why you're as fresh as the spring rain. (He runs his hands over Seras)

**Seras:** (glares) Oh, thank you. (She punchs him 'friendly' and he fells in to the couch) Oh, Quincey, please let go of me!

(Seras shoots a 'help me' look at Integra who tries to hide her laugh, then she pulls out Morris's Uzi and points to him.)

**Stetra:** (nervous look) Little girl. Oh, my dear sweet little girl. Let me hold my Uzi again..., yes, please?

**Walter: **Dr. Jack Seward.

(Enter Captain Pickman. Seras runs to Pickman)

**Seras:** Captain Jack! Oceans of blood! Err I mean love!

(Seras trips over a bearskin run and fells.)

**Pickman: **(confuses) Uhmm I believe I was the one who tripped. Oh well (he shrugs and helps Seras to stand up)

**Seras:** (ashamed) Oh, Jack, my darling! Oh, poor little baby. Come over here. Come over here and I'll kiss it better. My poor little blossom. My poor little doctor. Really, doctor. Ugh... I can't continue, this is too pathetic even for me...

**Integra:** I agree.

**Walter: **Arthur Holmwood, Esquire.

( Enter Luke Valentine. Seras runs to Luke)

**Seras: **Arthur! Oh, my darling. Oh, you look wonderful. Like my skirt? It's my leather skirt.

**Luke:** (gay voice) Uhmm black doesn't suit you dear, try grey. Next time you and me'll go shooping together... (he winks to Stetra and Pickman)

( Stetra and Pickman take a step back with nervous smile) 

  
**Pickman: **Quincey.

**Stetra:** Jack.

**Pickman:** Get the hell out of here, before blondie come here.

**Stetra:** Yeah. 

(They run away)

**Integra's thoughts:** Lucy is a pure and virtuous girl, but always attracts bad company because her slutty wardrobe. Jonathan says it's a defect of the aristocracy that they dress what they please. Another stupid thing that idiot said. I would dress as I like, like it or not. The truth is that I admire Lucy (a little, not that MUCH), and I'm not surprised that men flock around her and restrain my urges to shoot them. Thank God and the Queen I'm not as pretty and as adored as she.

(Enter Alucard's eyed shadow, Integra glares the shadow that disappears)

**Teleute: **Cut! Now to the next scene, Yan...?

(Yan appears with his both arms)

**Teleute:** I believe Anderson cut your left arm

**Yan:** (shrugs) So? I used glue

**Teleute:** What?! Save it... I don't want to know... 3, 2, 1 Action!

**Walter typing:**

  
LONDON  
LATER THAT EVENING  
Carfax District Lunatic Asylum

**CAPTAIN PICKMAN'S BLOG ON PHOTOGRAPH CYLINDER**, 30th May: What freak of nature is this? R. M. Renfield, successful solicitor in the firm of Hawkins and Thompkins, respected member of the Lord Nugent's Wyndham Club. Returns from business abroad in Transylvania. Promptly suffers a complete mental breakdown. He's now obsessed with some bloodlust. Uhmm too much foreign television maybe. That's why we, english, have strict laws about the broadcasting.

Mood: Depressed, after some morphine, Okaaaaaaaaaaay man... 

(Pickman enters Yan's cell)

**Pickman: **George, wait here.

(Yan holds out a plate of grubs, flies, ants, beetles and wireworms. )

**Yan:** What the fu... (he pauses and sees Anderson ready for attack, glups), ehem I mean... What kind of dinner is this?! Do I look like a f... errr bloody toad or sumthing? If you like this sh... things, eate yourself, Doc!

[In the set: 

**Luke:** I can't believe my ears

**Teleute:** Yes, and all we need was psycho priest to cut an arm

**Luke: **I should have thing of that before.

**Integra: **Me too, that or cut his tongue.

**Alucard: **The Judas priest make himself useful, for a change

**Anderson: **Of course I did, you unholy garbage, a travesty in the eyes of God!

**Teleute:** Sssh..., not so loud!]

**Pickman**: (turns green) No, thank you, Mr. Renfield. (changing the subject) How are you feeling tonight?

**Yan:** Changing subjects, eh? Of course, 'cause I'm the freaking patient and you're the doctor, you feel important. In England the gap between the poor and the richs! You feel all powerful and almighty 'cause you graduated! I maybe a poor psychopac dude but I'm far better than you, my lovesick puppy!

**Pickman: **How come you know about my personal life?

**Yan: **(rolls eyes) Stupid rich peaple, you were whining about you're lovelife's problems in your blog yesterday!

**Pickman: **That's my diary and is personal!

**Yan: **Sure, that's why you put it in Internet, man.

**Pickman: **Well, anyways... Your diet, Mr. Renfield, is disgusting!

**Yan:** Then chage the fucking menu, dude! You think I like to eat this shit! I don't care they said perfectly nutritious. I want blood! HUMAN BLOOD. Or coke, choose!

**Pickman: **The fly gives you life? (his expresion turns blank) Oh see the stars! shinny stars!

**Yan:** I'll cut the drugs, doc...

(Pickman stars to act dances in circles and hugs Yan)

**Yan: **Argh! get him off me! Help! Guards! guards!

(Hellsing' troops rush in to subdue Yan, they start to hit him)

**Yan: **Not me! I'm innocent!

(The troops and Pickman exit)

**Yan:** Hey! What about my coke?

(someone throws him a coke in his head)

**Yan: **Auch! Fucking bastards!

(drinks it all and gives an insane grin)

**Yan:** The Coke is the life, dude!

**Teleute:** Cut! Now Anderson!

(Anderson attacks and cuts the left arm again)

**Yan:** WHAT THE FUCK?!

**Teleute:** You said the 'f' word again!

(Anderson laughts maddly and cut another arm)

**Integra: **I knew it was so good to last

**Alucard:** He he, these trash vampires, they'll never learn manners.

**Luke: **(offends) Hey, mind you, mister!

**Alucard:** (pats a hellhound) Shut up, sissy boy or should I sent my pets to you again?

**Luke: **No, nice doggie, nice doggie...

**Teleute: **Alucaaaaaard

**Alucard:** You're not my master, I won't listen to you

**Integra: **Alucard stop!

**Alucard: **Awwwww, not fair. You two never let me have some fun.

**Teleute:** Oh, poor Alucard, we're soooooo unfair with you (rolls her eyes) Ok, guys I have to go and have Yan 'glued' again... (points to dismembered Yan). And to study (frowns).

Disclamer: Nothing is mine, ok? They belong to Hirano, Stoker and Gaiman (the concept since is my pitiful self-inssert).

Author's notes: Again for the obvious OOCness which is always present in the parodies.

Thanks to the reviews of:

**Neige:** *shudders* I hope noneone is so crazy to draw her in that dress! (or she'll find a way to kill me for good). But if you want to draw it, I don't mind. Thanks for the support.  
**Angie**: he he you'll see...   
**general Sephiroth: **Thank you, tomorrow I got another one. U.U  
**passionsmuse:** Nah, it's not that good. I hate that chapter. I hope this one is better  
**Irresponsible Captain Akima:** Don't be worried, I'm slow as a turttle but secure!  
**Hell angel:** Yup, I know. Thanks for the review!  
**Damned Caeli:** *blushes* It's kind a stupid IMO but I want to spoil myself in this fic (since I'm writing 'serious' others)

  
I hope you like it, review if you want it and flames are welcome as always


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